You Are Not Alone

“You are alone, all alone. No one wants you. God doesn’t want you. You are alone.”

For years, up until very recently, I had this reoccurring dream where I was in a dark room.

The dark room felt like it was very small but simultaneously left me conscious of the fact I was surrounded by infinite space. Maybe you know this feeling?

It’s what claustrophobia has always felt like to me.

Whenever I have felt claustrophobic I have been very aware of the fact that there is space around me. But what creates that feeling of claustrophobia is being keenly aware of the elements that feel like they are closing in and you have nowhere to go.

In this dream I could feel the hopeless, crushing weight of eternity closing in on me. I felt trapped by darkness and silence.

I had nowhere to go. No one to turn to.

But worse than the claustrophobia I felt was what I heard; what I felt deep in my heart, my soul, and my spirit:

“You are alone, all alone. No one wants you. God doesn’t want you. You are alone.”

I felt burdened by grief, despair, and hopelessness in the dream.

And the kicker was that I would often still feel this way after I woke up!

The cherry on top though was when I would have this dream either right before or right after a disruption in a relationship. A disruption like a break-up, a disagreement with a friend or a fight with my mom, a really bad day with my boss, or my friends made plans together, forgot to invite me, and then posted about it.

These disruptions seemed to affirm what I had been told in the dream.

See, you are alone. No one wants you. God doesn’t want you.

I didn’t realize it then but these dreams played a significant role in all that time I spent feeling so…

Defeated.

That feeling of defeat eventually rippled into nearly every area of my life.

Wow, I am alone..No one really does want me. And why should they?

Especially God. Why would He want someone like me?

This was spiritual warfare. And the enemy was calling checkmate.

Reflecting back on this time I can recall the moments, one moment too many really, that the enemy believed that he had me. Heck I didn’t know it then but I had believed it too without even realizing it!

I realize it now of course because it was so obvious in the way I lived my life. It was obvious in the way I thought about myself. And it was especially obvious in my struggling relationships with others, particularly God.

Note: never underestimate the enemy’s objective to seek, kill, and destroy.

Honestly, as I write this and reflect, I feel angry.

I feel angry over what the enemy tried to accomplish. I feel angry that he attacked me in my dreams. I feel angry that he attacked me in my personal thoughts and feelings. I feel angry that he used my past to keep me enslaved to shame and cutoff from God and others.

I recently sat down and shared these dreams with a friend. She asked me how I felt about these dreams and I told her about the anger I felt. My friend, who is a children’s ministry pastor, said something that surprised me:

She said that anger can be a powerful tool against the enemy.

I thought, why, and how? Anger doesn’t seem like something that comes from God. However…

Do you know who these attacks from the enemy really angers? I’m talking unfathomable anger and fury.

If you don’t it’s okay! I didn’t either. But I’ve learned this recently and once I learned about it, I believed it:

Attacks from the enemy on His creation angers God.

God hates what the enemy has done to His creation.

How do we know this? How do we know God is aware of our pain and suffering and what the enemy wages against us? How do we know that God not only cares but is supremely angry about it?

Because God never fails to take what Satan meant for evil, and use it for good. His good.

This fact is written throughout the Bible.

Just look at Jesus’ life and death! Satan thought he had won when Jesus was crucified and died on the cross. Jesus was buried in a tomb. His body remained there for 3 days until…

Jesus’ resurrection! God forever conquered death by raising His Son, our Lord and Savior, from the dead and the grave. Jesus affirmed His ministry on earth and then ascended into Heaven to be with His Father until His return.

We shouldn’t require more evidence than this but God is extremely generous and extremely patient.

This fact is not only evident in His Word but also evident in people’s testimonies. Mine is no exception.

While reflecting on my journey to this point I can recall periods where the enemy obviously had a hold on me.

But even more clearly I can recall and affirm that Jesus never left me. He was with me every day. I can recall and affirm that God has been ever so patient with me. He didn’t leave me in darkness. He didn’t leave me in that room. He didn’t leave me to be a slave to sin and shame.

He did want me. He wants me still.

He waited, ever so patiently, until my heart was really ready to open up to Him. And all that time He stayed with me, speaking truth and loving-kindness over me and to me.

This is why Matthew 28:20 has come to be one of my favorite verses:

“I am with you always”

January 6, 2021 will mark one year since I fully accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. This journey, these past few years especially, have been admittedly hard and painful but supremely wonderful and glorious. I’ve learned so much about God, about myself, and about our relationship.

One of the most important things that I’ve learned is that I never was alone. Never. Not for a moment.

And friend, if there’s anything you take away from this, it is that you are not alone either. Never. Not for a moment. Jesus is with you. He wants you. He loves you, unconditionally.

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