I feel so lost. I don’t know my purpose. I feel like I’m wandering, walking in circles.
So much has changed, but at the same time so much has not. And that’s on me. When Josh pointed out that quote from Captivating [see image], at the time when I initially highlighted it I was referring to times where relationships had ended, badly. And I was referring to when You made a way for me in my move to Texas and still I wasn’t satisfied. You made a way for me to get a great job that I really enjoyed for 6 months but slowly began to hate as everything else in my life seemingly unraveled too. That time of my life was nearly 4 years ago, and when I read that quote in Captivating a few months back I was struck because everything that happened 4 years ago made more sense.
But last night, here Josh was, showing me this quote nearly 3 months after reading it for the first time and it’s happened again.
What. Am. I. Doing…
God, You have changed my life. You have changed me. But have I failed in working to change myself? I put too much emphasis on making a career change and finding security in a “perfect” job. I married the love of my life, the Godly man of my dreams and my prayers; You sent him to me! And yet I feel more moments of unhappiness than I imagined. To say the least, expectations have been shattered.
So last night I was reminded. In some ways I am still seeking life apart from you. I am still trying to control what I’ve always tried to control, even though I’m older and my circumstances look a little different.
Why am I so quick to forget what you have done for me in times I was too broken, too at my end to do it myself? Gosh, even saying that… You are not a last resort God, but why am I treating you that way?
You want me to know my purpose, that much is clear and I know that much is true. That has to be a big reason why I feel lost.
As a Christian, my purpose is to tell others about Jesus so that they have an opportunity to know and follow Him too. But it all goes so much deeper than that. I don’t (still, ugh) feel worthy. I feel… sub par. Ugh, but I know that isn’t true! So I get it, I think. I understand why there’s frustration with not having the job I thought I would. I understand why there’s emotional and mental and spiritual hardship in my marriage. You want, You need, my attention. I can’t fulfill my purpose if I am ignoring the work You are trying to do in me.
I’ve heard the phrase, “You can’t pour from an empty cup” too many times lately to ignore it. I understand that You are trying to tell me something.
You want me to know, truly know, my purpose. And You want me to be equipped to fulfill it. It’s so simple really, I just need to stop making it harder than it has to be.
I need to be obedient. I need to be present. I need to be consistent. I need to be intentional. But above all, I need to be yours before I am anything else.
I love you God, thank you for loving me.